August of 1999. My parents were preparing to finalize their divorce. At that point I was still 10 so I didn’t understand what was going on. All I knew was that I was gonna see my dad again after not seeing him in so long. Several weeks before he came up he called us up. He told me he had a secret to tell me. He confessed that he had a baby with his girlfriend. That I had a brother. I was beyond excited about it. My sister on the other hand was really sad about it. She told me that it was because she wasn’t gonna be daddy’s baby anymore.
D-day (divorce day) came and we got together with my dad, my grandma, and my 1 month old half brother after they got done with court. That night we were supposed to drive to New York to stay at my aunt’s. But it had gotten late and my dad and grandma thought it was a bad idea to drive 3 hours and a half late at night with munchkin. So we stayed the night at my dad’s friend house.
I’m flipping through the channels and I found out that the BSB special was playing again that night. I sit with my grandma and watch it with her. At some point I asked her what she thought about Nick. She said he was handsome. I was so excited to hear that. She then turned to my dad and confirmed any father’s worst nightmare. She told him that I might be 10 but I was hitting the boy crazy stage, and that Nick was just the beginning. Now that I think of it…She was so right, hehehehe. Divorce day was on a Friday. That Sunday dad, my sister and me went to some shops (in the style of Howie and AJ when they went shopping in the Disney Special) to get some clothes. As we were walking back to my aunt’s my dad stopped at CD shop. When he came out, he had in his hands a copy of Millennium. I was beyond thrilled. By that point I still didn’t know what fan girling was all about. We continued the walk back to my aunt’s. Then once we were there, my aunt and grandma helped my sister and me get ready for the drive back home. And in that time my dad disappeared. When he came back he had us go outside. I was wondering why. He opened the trunk to his car and there it was. A framed Millennium poster. I squealed of course.
The following 2 weeks all I could do is listen to the CD. Getting familiarized with their (BSB’s) voices. The beginning of the school year was getting near. I was entering 6th grade. Because of that my mom gave me the “you need to do your homework and work hard to pass” talk. We sat down in my room and I was playing Millennium and “Don’t want you back” began. It got to the part where Nick sings “Sexuality”. Oh Man! That’s the biggest I’ve seen mom’s eyes go, he he he. She looked at me like what the hell? I (at age 10) had to explain the context in which the word was used. To this day I still think that because her English was so broken at the time, she didn’t understand the song. The following weeks we would go shopping for our school things and I couldn’t wait to get home. All I wanted to do was listen to the sweet sounds of BSB. Mom would get so annoyed. Then we finally had gotten everything done. The last week of summer vacation, mom had another one of my aunts to babysit us. And we didn’t leave the house unless needed. That was alright with me because again all I wanted to do was listen to Backstreet Boys. I played Millennium for a week without turning it off. And I mean my CD player was on for a week straight. I would sleep with Millennium playing. And all day long I would play it too. My fascination for Nick didn’t seize. I couldn’t get enough of him.
Later on that week I found out that the BSB special was coming on the night before first day of school. They were airing NSYNC’s Disney Special that same night. So from 7 to 8 it was NSYNC’s special and from 8 to 9 it was BSB’s. I was ecstatic because I was going to be able to see Nick again. I begged my mom to buy me a blank VHS so I could tape BSB. She bought it for me. That night came and my sister MADE me record NSYNC’s special too. I reluctantly did it. We watched NSYNC’s but unfortunately our curfew for bed was 8 so I had to leave it recording. Then I went to bed. The next day I went to school, impatiently waiting to get home and watch the show over and over! 2:45 couldn’t come fast enough. I get home finally and with my backpack still on my back I went straight to the living room. I cued it up to the BSB show and to my horror it was silent! I went crazy. I rewound it to the end of NSYNC’s show and it had sound. I let it play to see what happened and 2 minutes into BSB’s show, they were silenced. It turned out my sister had muted it from the cable box and not the TV so it silenced the recording.
I wanted to murder her. My step dad tried to reason with me, but I wouldn’t hear of it. It felt like the world had ended. He He He. Now I look back at the tape and I just laugh! Why?? Because I could still see Nick, even if he was silenced…
Later that day we (my sister and me) were in the room we shared and I had taken the millennium poster down for whatever reason. I set it on top of her bunk bed. And she climbs up to hand it to me. As soon as she picks it up she smashed it on the rail of the bed. It felt like she had dropped my heart and let it smash into pieces. It felt at that point like she had done it on purpose just to spite me. But in reality she didn’t mean to! I yelled her and made her cry. Mom told me she would get me a new frame. But of course I still argued with my sister about it.
Fast forwarding. A week into the school year my mom decided to take away my CD and poster. With the excuse that my grades were slipping. I never understood why she did it because it was the first week of school and there was no homework or test for my grades to be slipping. So how could that be possible? The first 7 months of school were fun. I made so many friends and when I told them that I was a Nick Carter fan they would come back with all the posters they had of him and handed them to me. But as soon as I brought them home mom would take them away. Not understanding why. It got to the point where I was rebelling.
There were too many factors contributing to it all. First, I was entering the Preteen stage. Second, Nick had become the center of my world. I had immediately put him on a pedestal. And I still see him as a Greek god on a pedestal. The only difference is that I know he’s a godly human who makes mistakes. (So yeah if that’s any indication of how I’ve grown then I don’t know what is) Third, I thought mom was being very unfair. I started to keep the posters my friends kept giving me in my locker…
On Christmas vacation mom got tired of seeing our room a mess. So she said if I cleaned it by myself in 3 hours or less she would put up the posters on the walls herself. At that moment my first tear of happiness ever, rolled down my cheek. And believe it when I say I’ve never cleaned my room that fast. I say I have the world record of 45 minutes. He He. By the end of the night, I had my half of the room covered with posters. No space in between them. So my sister agreed to let me cover her side too! I was ecstatic. Now that I think back…I realize that that was my first experience of “the things I would do for Nick Carter” category. He He.
I would come home from school and I wouldn’t want to do anything but stay in my room all night. Of course that made mom happy because I wasn’t causing trouble. I was happy because I felt like they were there. Now I know that sounds like I was psychotic. But I don’t think it was as bad as the doctors make it seem lol. Anyway it got to the point where my grades were actually slipping and all I talked about was BSB. So mom told me I had to step up my game. 3 months later my grades hadn’t improved at all. So she decided for every bad grade I got she would take a poster away. I flipped out. So she ripped them all off the walls. I was crying like crazy. So I said fine then I don’t care. And she went for that one poster I loved of Nick. The one where he’s wearing an orange shirt under a black leather jacket. And he had this beautiful grin. I had it over my desk. At that moment my heart was broken. She stepped out of the room and I saw that one poster I loved through the trash bag. I tried going for it but she caught me. She walked out with the bag. I went into the “I can’t breathe” sob fest.And that was the first heartbreak related with Nick I have ever had!
This is the picture that was hanging over my desk, that my mom ripped out my heart out with.